003/365 - Write a letter to your past self

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Write a letter to your past self.

That’s today’s prompt. And how interesting, because there’s so much I could say to my past self. Perhaps writing it in letter format is the right approach this time.

I’m going to add a content warning: mention of SA and unconventional religion.

༘⋆♡⸝⸝💌⊹。°˖➴

April 3rd, 2025

Dear Maddy,

Hello. You might be surprised to read this, as no one would expect a letter from their future self, addressed specifically to you. It’s 2020 for you right now. The pandemic has arrived, and I know all too well the hardships and pain you went through in 2018 and 2019. Everything seems to be falling apart, cold and damp, with the smell of wet wood, holes in the roof of your house, and no motivation for life. I know you well—I know you’ve thought about ending it all. I know you’ve thought about it many times, but this time, you see no light anywhere. Therapy is too expensive, you don’t have a job, and the world is consumed by a pandemic that sounds apocalyptic to everyone.

But let me tell you something.

Right now, I am writing this letter from the future. Things have changed so much. You live in a new home, with someone who cherishes, adores, and cares for you more than anything in the world. You no longer suffer from hunger or cold, and the dark, lonely memories are beginning to fade. You even have your own laptop! And while right now, I know you're just starting to draw digitally for fun, let me give you some great news. You have commissions! Crazy, right? 

Sometimes you complain about having too many or too few commissions at once, but you’re making some money with your art! You’re even in the process of opening your own online art shop, both locally and internationally! Who would have thought? You stopped drawing traditionally because of the pandemic and because your friend Karman gifted you that digital tablet. You might think you weren’t much help to him, but he’s very grateful to you and even hired you as an art assistant for a while. Yes, not only have you done your own commissions, but you've also designed for him. Isn’t that wonderful? It sounds like a dream come true!

But there’s more. You’ve worked on small Game Jams, creating pixel art for video games with friends. Yes, a group of friends. Sounds strange? I know having friends has been tough for you, and that one of them betrayed more than just your trust—they left a scar on you for life. But you’ve managed to break free from that little by little, and now you’re surrounded by wonderful people.

I know you're watching Markiplier and often don’t understand a word of English. 

Well, now you understand so much more. You can watch his videos without subtitles, and you can make calls and video calls in English with no problem! Sounds crazy, right? You’re running an entire Discord server in English, and you’ve taken your first steps into learning other languages like Japanese again, German, Chinese, and improving your English to a level where you even want to take the TOEFL exam!

You also started therapy. Yes, you were diagnosed with anxiety and depression, along with traits of high sensitivity. And you’re even taking psychiatric medication. But believe me when I tell you, you don’t have to be afraid, my sweet Aquarian star. Surprisingly, therapy has helped you immensely. You have a therapist named Trini who is incredible—she’s perceptive, emotional, and guiding you through the whole process of regaining your light and happiness. When you started therapy, you were just as you are now in this dark night—without the desire to listen to music or enjoy anything.

But you found a way through, you found an escape that once seemed impossible. You survived the hardest days, wanting to end it all, afraid of leaving your brother alone, and fearing that your life was hitting rock bottom.

And yet, you survived. You made it to 2025. And not only that—you started to truly live.

You reconnected with your long-lost desire to learn magic. Instead of forcing yourself into a specific religious path, you embraced chaos magic. Now, you’re learning to connect with tarot, working with spiritual guides like Anubis, Hecate, and Santa Muerte. You’re able to send good energy and luck to your friends, to openly share and discuss your philosophies and beliefs without fear of judgment.

And I have an even bigger surprise. One that I’ve saved for last.

Do you remember those childhood days when you always felt out of place? Do you remember the desire not to have the body you were given, the fear of being judged for wanting to do things differently, and the feeling of not belonging? All of that had a reason—one that you always knew, that you know now, and that in the future, you have finally embraced.

My dear boy, my dear man, you are no longer Maddy. 

You are Jaden—the name you chose once you found yourself and could finally look in the mirror with pride. That wish to have a flat chest, to be addressed with masculine pronouns—all of that has come true. And you’re in the process of working on your voice, of expressing your gender and sexuality in ways you once thought only others could. You don’t have to worry about what others think anymore.

And one more thing—your friends, your partner, your family… they all accept you for who you are! They call you by your name, you no longer have to use the nickname "Maddy" to hide the fact that you always wanted to be "Madara," the male character from Naruto. No, my boy, now you are your own man, taking steps toward the life you want, even if you feel uncertain because so much has changed.

Yes, you can cry, just as I am on the verge of tears myself.

Life has smiled upon you in ways you never expected. Not everything is so unbearable anymore. You are rebuilding yourself, experiencing so many new things, and it is beautiful!

My sweet child, Maddy, Jaden, I know you will get through this storm, and many others!
You have the strength, and I will always be here with you, to take care of you and guide you! I know there are many things that have hurt, that still hurt, and that will surely hurt in the future.

But beyond the darkness, you see the stars and galaxies in space.

 You cry when you feel the sea (which, by the way, you’ve seen for the first time on vacation with your friends!!!), and you are in a place where you appreciate the beautiful things in your life every day.

You’ll watch a streamer a lot—his name is Reborn Live. Maybe you’ve already seen him before. But Jaden, Reborn will first teach you a few lessons about how to regain your strength, and you will find your way forward! Follow his steps, stay strong, put on the damn suit, and hold your head high! The pandemic will pass, you’ll meet wonderful people, and yes, bad things will happen, but the number of good things waiting for you is immeasurable.

 Enjoy every meal, because you no longer have eating disorders to worry about. You will start to love and take care of your body, even growing your nails—something you’ve been struggling with forever.

You no longer have to force yourself to be a girl, and you’ll change your ID to match who you truly are.
The world no longer seems so hostile from here.
And your dreams and hopes are clearer than ever.

Keep going, because you can overcome everything you’ve been through.

With love, from the bottom of my heart and unconditionally,

Your future self,

Jaden 💙✨

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✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: *:･ﾟ✧

│││ . . .

││✧ .

│✧ .

✧

I have cried while writing letters before. But writing this one touched a sensitive part of me that helped me appreciate everything I’ve lived through to get to this point—where my biggest worry is drinking bubble tea and going back to studying Art at university.

Sometimes, we need to look at the past to truly appreciate the present. And in my case, I have always hated looking back because it is filled with bitter memories. However, every now and then, I realize that it was worth living through all of it. That despite the ups and downs, I have managed to survive, exist, live, love, and enjoy life.

My life is not perfect now; there are still things I lack and areas I need to work on. But it is definitely so much better than my life five years ago. I have been through so much that, often, I don’t want to tell my whole story. Instead, I share only the most recent dramatic parts and leave the darker memories for another time.

I am happy.

And grateful for life.

I hope that if you write something for your past self, you also find some beautiful things you didn’t have before—things that you can be happy about now.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: *:･ﾟ✧

Thank you for reading till here… 💜