006/365 - What has been your greatest challenge so far?

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What has been your greatest challenge so far?

Staying alive.
And that sounds too raw and harsh to just throw out there like that.

But I couldn’t possibly sum up my life story in any other way. When I say that my greatest challenge so far has been being alive, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve felt the blunt blows of life and found a strange comfort in its darkness and melancholy. And only now, after many years, am I learning how to live in a way that is bearable—sometimes even beautiful.

I carry memories that haunt me. Muffled screams and whispers, cries and laments. Like an island full of guilt and regret, taking the most unexpected shapes to break me down and make me feel undeserving of what I have now—or even the smallest, beautiful things.
There’s probably a psychological explanation tied to trauma behind why this deep sorrow lives in me. It blooms like a chest pain, constant, throughout my days—no matter how happy my face looks, or how many medications try to help me carry it.

I’ve lived in sadness for so long that I learned not to stop doing it.

But now, only this year, I’ve started to let go of it a little. To appreciate sadness, the bittersweet nostalgia. To admire the waves of the ocean, the rain, and the pain—just as much as I try to appreciate love, friendship, and the good memories.

For someone who struggles with depression, being alive is always complicated.

The intrusive thoughts come to you when you don’t shine. When you "should be doing more" or when your mind whispers, “maybe you're just…” followed by something painful. I’ve even thought that hurting myself would be the best way to feel loved. And now, writing that, it sounds so heartbreaking. So sad.

And yet, now that I’m not feeling that sadness—it’s so much easier to see how wrong I was.

Life holds its beautiful things, and its suffering, which sometimes makes it feel impossible to live.
But those beautiful things—they weigh more. And luckily, in me, they weigh a little more with each day.

I write these words with honesty—for anyone who’s going through a hard time.
I know that being alive can feel like a challenge. And maybe what you feel hurts, and nobody seems to understand it.

But life is worth living.

Besides pain (often learned or inherited), there are so many beautiful things. Not everything is darkness.

And if you feel like you need company, reach out.

It’s what saves me.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: *:･ﾟ✧

Thank you for reading till here… 💜

#MentalHealth #WritingToHeal #EmotionalHealing #CreativeJourney